From the sin to the sinner

"There's a time to come to New York and there's a time to leave New York."

I'm having a problem. I don't seem to really know what I'm thinking ever. Indecisiveness is killing me. Have you ever felt like a robot? I have never felt more like on than in the passing few weeks. All these emotions and feelings that scatter around the human spectrum make no sense to me in the greater passing of things. I feel like everything logically has an answer, which leaves no room to believe in faith, yet I like to think I have faith that things will be okay (though my latter statement negates that completely.) I am sick of this constant fight inside my head. You know what, that's an overstatement. I don't even think there is a fight about anything anymore, because I have made a point to either A. care to much about little things or B. completely generalizes the big things to the point of apathy. My priorities are not correct, and I feel like I have little knowledge of anything anymore. Part of me just wants to pack up, leave NYC and spend a year traveling and just learning. I don't think I know enough of anything to make a comment anymore. I feel like I too often can convince myself of both sides of an issue so that I can't even see the point of debating it anymore.

I also feel like I talk in one big fucking oxymoron.

I don't know how to care about the right things. I don't even know how to act socially sometimes anymore. I feel like I have no friends.

KSHUTUP. I know I'm being melodramatic, but that is aloud here right?

Why do I have so much trouble believing in religion lately? Why do I have so much trouble believing in my friends or even myself? Where has my faith gone.

Maybe I need to go find it.

I wonder if I'll leave New York.....

though.....

I won't be going home if I do......

decisions.

Perhaps tomorrow I will become more decisive.

Or perhaps this will be like every other entry I've ever written, and just become a ghost whispering words in the back of my head for me to read someday and hate myself even more for not following my own advice.

awesome.

I sit here.
I see people feeling things for eachother, and I wonder why have I missed out on such a thing. I can only think of one person I have loved and he seems to be quite happy with someone else, never wondering if I am thinking of him, nor, missing me. He's moved on, but why haven't I? I don't understand how easy it is for one person to fall in love so easily, but so hard for the other person to fall out of love. When did it become harder to stop love than to fall for love. Stopping should be easy. It's simple with cars, all you have to do is push the left peddle down ever so slightly and the car will come to a complete stop. How come that doesn't apply to life?
Uck. I don't understand how I can be so happy for someone, yet so entirely upset that it's not me that is making that person happy.

Uck again.

In another note, I have noticed that scarcasm is such a defense mechanism for what you are really thinking or feeling. I noticed that today.

I said noticed alot and I've lost my will to complain.

Uck.

I'm home for Spring Break, and it's nice...but I feel like no one is happy here anymore and I don't know when that happened. I don't know when my parents became so depressed and unhappy. I don't know when my aunt became so sick. I don't know when we stopped talking to my uncle. I don't understand how these lovely people who I love just let themselves fall into this horrible ruts of hate and sadness and displeasure. I don't know what to do. I'm having a moral dilemma here, just a bit.


It still is nice to be home though, even if everyone seems really sad.

I talk about the same things over and over again in my entries.

Why don't I actually do what I say I should do?

Thought to ponder, eh?

Moving forward. As always, considering how difficult moving backward is. I go back to NYC tomorrow, and I'm excited, but I'm not. I still find myself in a weird place. I want so badly to get my life on track, but I just find myself being lazy like a fuck. Ugh. Gina. Grow up. It's time. You need to start getting what you what NOW.

Okay.

Pep talk aside. I had something to say, until I forgot it with my little pep talk. Ugh. I quite smoking. For the most part. I'm pretty stoked about that, you know.

I'm going to lose 15 lbs.

I'm going to get my headshots done.

I'm going to start doing stuff with my life.

Fullstop.

Another Christmas season has come and past. I love this holiday in a major way. My only problem with this Christmas was the fact I was sicker than a dog. It was awful. I had a fever and I was just a hot mess today, but it was so lovely to just see my family and chill out. I really really miss these guys, no joke. They honestly make me so happy. We went out of our normal ritual and on Christmas Eve we went out to dinner at Livios in St. John. It was just the 4 of us. It was actually rather lovely. I miss them. Then we did something crazy and went to Auntie Diane's house. Who would have guessed it, eh?? There house is a mad house, but so much fun. They had so much great food, and I saw a lot of family I haven't seen in forever. I just love sitting around the table listening to my parents, Aunt Lisa, Uncle Eddie, Aunt Sue, Uncle Mark, Nick, Aunt Susan, and who ever else just sitting around the table bullshitting. It's hilarious.

Then Christmas Day came, and I got TONS of glorious gifts for my mother. I love that woman dearly, and I'm also really happy that she enjoyed her Christmas gift as well. She deserves to be happy, you know? Then the Trebiani family came over and laughter and good food ensued. I like it. I like it alot.

I need to be a lot more like my cousin Mike. He's a rather upstanding fellow. He's so self motivated, I don't know how he does it. I need to be that. He just got his Masters degree in business. I could also take a page from Lisa's book as well because she motivated herself to work out everyday and have a fit body, which is something else I need to do. I need to stop focusing on my friends, because I honestly base my life on them, and that is so incredibly stupid. I hate it. I need to grow up and get my shit together. I'm frustrated at my lack of control, and I'm sick of complaining. I want to actually get stuff moving.

Okay.
Thats all.
Almost.

I'm going to Canada for New Years. WOO

IT'S OVER!

So here I am. Sitting at Lagurdia Airport. My flight was supposed to leave at 7:30 PM so, being as efficient as I am, I got here at 6:30 PM. To my surprise, I discovered it was delayed until 12 AM. THAT IS 6 HOURS! I am currently finishing up that delay. It's almost 1 AM and it isn't here yet. I won't say it's been that horrible though. I'm sitting in a supremely comfortable chair, and I've watched tons of TV shows and movies. I also ate a really expensive sandwich, which was probably the most irritating part of today.

Last night Leana and Nicole had a huge party. People got way to drunk and way to stupid. It was almost annoying, and something out of a movie. I swear to god, I was waiting for the camera crew to come out and say "Thank you ladies and gentleman, that is a wrap", but it didn't happen. I'm not sure which is sadder. Ugh. It was just annoying to me, though, on the positive side...I am really beginning to do well at beer pong. I need to stop drinking beer because I become obese. I notice a lot of my entries are me freaking out about weight. I want to start working out so I can be fit and just get my shit together, you know?

I don't have a cell phone anymore, Nicole accidentally spilled a glass of wine on it. Apparently my phone doesn't like drinking.

Okay, I just wanted to give a quick update.
I'll speak again with you soon.

Thats all.


YES MY PLANE IS HERE!!!

Okay. I went on a this epic quest to figure out my high school schedule Freshman to Senior year, and I had SUCH A HARD TIME!! I can't believe that Freshman year was like....5 years ago. So I'm going to post them all here so if I ever have this inkling again, I will not have to drive myself CRAZY.

Freshman Year

1. French - Tilka
2. English - Fidely
3. Pool - Tonks / World Geo - Hilyard
4. SOMETHING / Gym - Emmerick
5. Int. Chem/Phy - Harnish
6. SRT - Milausnic
7. Alg - Moore
8. Intro to Journalism - Drollen

Sophomore Year
1. English H - Sventanoff
2. French II - Tilka
3. Drama I - Neth
4. Geometry - Carstenson
5. Speech - Sventanoff / Contemporary World Affairs - Stoming
6. SRT - Sevntanoff
7. Biology - Santos
8. World History - Scalia

Junior Year
1. Alg II - Stemp
2. Chemistry - Garrison
3. Drama II - Neth
4. Sociology - Holden / Word Processing - Chavez
5. English H - Tokoly
6. SRT - Skafish
7. AP History - Skafish
8. Creative Writing - Moorehouse / Psychology - Holden

Senior Year
1. Government - Ihnat / Economy - Schneider
2. Statistics - Bugaski
3. Drama II - Neth
4. Aid - Holden
5. French III - Tilka
6. SRT - Hennessy
7. Anatomy - Hoban
8. AP English - Fredrick

Another day.
Another night.
Passing.
Without notice.
Springing forward.
Falling backward.
Losing time
Gaining time.
Forgetting that it's always counting.
Always going.
Never stopping.
Like a traffic.
Like the sun.
Like your heart.
It's so constant that sometimes you forget it's even there.
Until so much has gone by that you look back and wonder what the hell happened.
In one of those oh so tragic and isolating moments of realization.
Where you can see who you were and who you are now but you can't quite put together how you got there
or what it all means.
The lost track
The lost path.
The forgotten choices.
The ruined map.
All things that should lead you straight to home, have lead you further from it then you've ever been.
Is there a chance to go back.
Do you even want to go back?
Or are you just looking for comfort.
The past is comfortable because you've already been there, and you know whats going to happen, but you don't grow from that.
You're comfortable in it.
Like that old chair thats your favorite.
Or that special spot in your bed you always go back to.
It feels so good, because you know it so well.
But that isn't the point.
It's never the point.
We spend all our time trying to be comfortable, but once we're there we lost track of everything else.
Why.
Why is there never an answer.
I can hear my heart beat.
I can hear the ebb and flow of traffic outside of my window.
It's so quiet in my head.
my heart.
my soul.
That I can hear each minute of the clock ticking and tocking and fading away.
I notice each minute.
Each second.
Each breath.
Each beat.
It's lonely.
It's isolating.
Only I can hear my heartbeat.
Only I can hear my clock.
Only I can hear that car go by.
Only I can hear my self inhale and exhale and sigh.
No one else wants to.
No one else cares to.
They have their own time.
Their own tock.
Or tick.
Or beat.
Or zoom.
Or gasp.
We're so united in being alone.
And I just can't tell if thats the most beautiful thing
or the most tragic thing.
Tick
Tock.
Thump
Thump
Zoom
Zoom
No matter what.
It all just keeps going.

Big picture vs small.

"I wouldn't take back what I felt" - Katy

"I want to be able to zoom in any time I want" - katy
"Kinda" - Mel

"You still want to be able to experience the things but know how it will be okay" - Katy

So, I asked and I got answers.

So far.

Answers that I love.

Mel and I share the same out look. We want the balance of the good and the bad, the big and the little. We stew in situations, but know in the long run that it will be okay. Then Katy threw a metaphorical wrench in the works, she told me she wanted to expeirence life moment moment. She wants to deal with everything as it comes because it builds her character, knowing (internally) that she'll be okay.

Today was one of those days.
Those unexpected days that turn out in a wonderful way.
You know what I'm talking about.
You wake up in the morning expecting nothing and gaining everything. Well, almost everything...in a sense...I suppose.
I slept alot.
I worked alot.
I contemplated alot.
I got surprised alot.
Well a little.
How about a little surprise that was huge.
Josh showed up today.
Yes that would be Zade's best pal Josh from the Canadia. It was unexpcted and a little scary because I was all in my PJs looking haggard.
It was something no one wanted to see.
The doorbell rang,
and a cute boy showed up.
Unexpected.
But welcomed.
We got beers.
We surprised the shit out of Zade.
I like life.
Lotsa laughs.
Lotsa fun.
Losta general good times that I always enjoy.
You know.

This update is long and ramabling.

I'll have something deep to say tomorrow, eh?

Okay.

Thats all.

Time. Projection. The impetus that moves us forward, propelling us through change and turbulence. The thing that makes then different from the now. We're told to roll with it, go with it, soak it in, live it up, relish in the fact we're aren't living as static stagnant characters, but sometimes, sometimes it hurts. stings. burns. bites. A little gnawing pain, that starts off small and conscience only to unexpectedly spring up, and destroy you. How do you know when to let something go. This has never happened before, change is what life thrives on, but what happened to stability. In the revolving door of life we're all just looking for someone to stand still with. No matter how stupid it looks to stand in that glass case of emotion for all the world to see. It rarely happens, people get lost in the impetus, the projection, the wave, the ticking, the tocking, because it's easy, and fun, but it's scary. Things are lost, and things are gained, but who can forecast a gain for that loss to match? I suppose that is life. Thats general, thats trite, thats overbearing, but it's dealing. It's accepting. You're allowed to feel bad, but in the retrospect that means absoultely nothing. You can spend your whole day crying over spilled milk, or you can get up, clean it, and make a promise next time to be more careful you decided to dip your oreos.

The only thing that will get you is the ghosts. Don't listen to people when they say they don't exist, because they do. I'm not talking about the souls of the recently deceased, or maybe I am, but in a more figurative sense. They will haunt you till the day you die. The ghost of friendship, lovers, christmas past. They're there, watching, and reminding you exactly what made you change, or exactly what you're scared you lost. It's hard to know what way to take it.

Is anything possible. Can things, relationships, love be resuscitated? Do we need to take a CPR course for love, because trying to bring back the dead is dangerous, We've all seen those scary movies. Pet Cemetery comes to mind.

I don't know.

This makes no sense, and I feel like I'm talking really generally. I'm just worried. I'm just worried as heck, and I have on idea why it's bothering and effecting me so much. I don't know how to be me anymore, I feel lackluster and worthless. I don't have anything to bring to the table, and I just don't know where my confidence went.

*blows whistle* come back.

If only I was Rose DeWitt Beaucater, then it'd work.

"Laura Jesson: [thinking to herself] This can't last. This misery can't last. I must remember that and try to control myself. Nothing lasts really. Neither happiness nor despair. Not even life lasts very long. They'll come a time in the future when I shan't mind about this anymore. But I can look back and say quite peacefully and cheerfully how silly I was. No, no I don't want that time to come hither. I want to remember every minute, always, always to the end of my days. "

I'm angry. I'm hurting, emotionally and physically. I'm looking for something that's not there. I'm missing whats right in front of my face. I got the signs all wrong. I'm sick, in more ways than I'm letting on. I'm going on a medication that could kill me. I want to start my life but I don't know how. I don't have the will power, or the power in general. I know all the people in the world, but no one knows me, the real me, because I don't want to show it, and they don't want to know it. I can see through you. Just to let you know. Let me in or I'm done.

I'm trying to get over you, so let me.

Things won't be like they were.

Note, I love my family, especially my mom and dad.

I need to get back to NYC.

Trust me. You'll love it. Her voice is full of soul, and the video is so completely artistic. Enjoy your life. Enjoy the tunes. Enjoy the vibe.

Sounds like:

Amy Winehouse minus the severe drug problem.

I'm bored.I'm sitting here, I should be packing but I'm sucked into So You Think You Can Dance. I'm very upset with this show right now, because American keeps kicking off really talented people, and letting really mediocre people stay on board. That is not the point of this show! I mean seriously!

Anyway, to transition. There could be so much more I should be doing with my time. I have still yet to watch the 2nd season finale of the L word. I'm scared because that means I have to tackle the 3rd season and I don't know if I can watch Dana die. It just might break my heart. I'm also upset Alice and Dana broke up, I really think they were adorable.


In other news. The I'm depressed I'm the only Sex and the City fan that hasn't managed to see the movie. How horrible is that? I feel like I should have supported it in theatres, and I'm kind of excited to see it because I've heard nothing but good reviews. Also, I'm trying really hard to not to read about it so I'm surprised, but I think I've heard some of the story. Bunk!!! I hope it doesn't let me down, I feel like the show worked as a half hour, but an hour and a half would be overload...but we shall see. I've heard rumors that they are making a Friends movie. If that happens, please kill me. That show actually ended up nice and resolved. Why can't we just let something rest in peace? Is that to hard?

Remember to download "Said the Whale."

"I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May gods love be with you
Always
May gods love be with you

I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You cant keep awake

May gods love be with you
Always
May gods love be with you

cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
You

I dont know anymore
What its for
Im not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
cause I been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe youre not even sure what its for
Any more than me

May gods love be with you
Always
May gods love be with you"

Do you ever wonder that? If you find your way, how much will I find? It's what scares us the most as people....if we find our life path, what exactly will we find? People get so scared that the things they dream of are completely unreachable so they would rather live their life knowing they didn't fail, but if you don't try...how can you ever know? Is it better to fail at something but at least have TRIED or never tried at all? I feel like the type of regret of not knowing is so so much worse. At least you gave your dreams a shot, at least you know that you had a chance to do it. Live your life moment to moment, because honestly you never know when it's all going to be gone. We all try to generalize things and say that "oh in the long run this means nothing", but god damnit don't live your life for the future! Live your life for you because if you're so worried about whats to come you're going to miss everything, and your future will be nothing spectatcular.

I had a good talk with my mom tonight. I'm trying to get my life on track, and it's very hard for me to do so...I find myself not having enough drive to get myself through anything. I just get comfortable no matter where I stay, and I don't want to do that either. I'm going to find a way to overcome this, I asked Meghan Cain how to fix it, and I will fix it. I WILL FIX IT.

Gosh darn it.

I'm so sick of being comfortable in everything I do.

F that.

Seriously.

I need to get my life on track and be more responsible.

I know what your thinking, how many times have I said this in that entry, but I swear I will.

PS

I'm getting fat.
I hate it.
I need to lose weight before I go back to school.

I used to be so thin.

WTF mate?

Okay.
Stop complaining and fix it!!!!

Today was a good day.
In fact.
god. I don't know. I don't know if I have the words. For someone who is often verbose and always know what to say I'm at a loss.
It was the annual fourth of july party, and everyone came over including (but not limited to) Amanda Drozd, Laura Barnoski, AJ Gerogie, Matt McClure, Mel Morley, Nick Pardouchi and Dan and it was blast (literally and figuratively).

Amanda and I had a great talk.

A GREAT TALK.

I often feel so incapable of maintaining a friendship, because I fuck stuff up alot, but we talked about how we get it and we're still friends, after everything.......we're still friends.

oh my god.
I don't know what to say about it, except it was the nicest talk I've had in awihle.

Amanda restored my faith and oh my god have I honestly missed her.

oh my gosh.

It was so nice.

Thats all.


....
wow

update.

alot going on

mel's here

i need to find my natural stage voice