From the sin to the sinner

I talk about the same things over and over again in my entries.

Why don't I actually do what I say I should do?

Thought to ponder, eh?

Remember to download "Said the Whale."

update.

alot going on

mel's here

i need to find my natural stage voice

I'm home. I've been home for a few days I just haven't had a moment to update anything. Let's see if anything of any excitement has happened in the last few days.

Oh! Saturday was my birthday! I'm officially 19 years old. Wooo! I can still vote. I can still buy tobacco products and I can still legally be drafted. Wow. Life is so wonderful! My birthday was pretty alright. I actually ended up doing a lot of traveling. Lets talk about my horrible airport visit. So, after a night of fun and intense talking with my cousin Meghan into the wee hours of the morning, my aunt comes and picks me up at 8 AM. We get to the airport only to find out that my bag is overweight MEANING I can't do curbside check-in and that I have to wait in the 3 mile long check-in line. Great, though, I had an hour until my flight so I figured everything would be okay. WRONG. I forgot that God hates me. I wait in line for a half hour and then I have to go to security. Security is only 2 miles long so I'm not stressing. That is until I remember that because I don't have a State I.D. I have to be strip searched (I'm exaggerating of course). So this evil man swabs all my bags with this strange paper and proceeds to tell me his life story. Then he notices my flight leaves at 10:05 (Did I mention it's not 9:43) and then chuckles and says I better hurry because I probably only 10 minutes until they shut the door, ALL WHILE STILL TAKING HIS TIME WITH MY CARRY ONS. Then...Then...THEN he begins to laugh saying that my gate is in Bofu, Egypt and that I'm going to have to run in order to make my flight. He smirks, hands my the bags, and bids me a good day. NEEDLESS to say I ran and knocked down a few people and children on my way but barely made my flight. Thank god.

The flight itself was a different story. I think my pilot was suicidal. He was jacking the plane left and right as if we were on a stunt plane. I thought I was going to die! I thanked the lord jesus I was aloud to live once I landed.

These last few days I've just been hanging out. I've been so exhausted and my parents have proceeded to tell me that I look like complete crap every second they get. My dad even opted to take me on a shopping spree/get my hair done and waste away money spree. WHAT THE HECK! haha. I won't say no though, I've been stressed and haggard for a while lately. Now I just need to drop a few lbs and I'll be super PUMPED!

Jacqui came and chilled for the last few days as well. It was nice to see her. We hung out with Rach and Laura and random other people who were enjoyable. So, spot on for people still being nifty. I'm really tried of randomly talking about stuff though so I'm going put the big IT'S OVER on this entry.

sidenote.

I wish I could be Meryl Streep.

I'm torn. I care, I don't care. I try, I don't try. I'm the bad guy, I'm the good guy. I feel like John Kerry because I flip-flop so much. I'm really trying to just get an answer in an answerless situation. I overanalyze things. I speak for other people. I try so very hard, but it just never translates. I could do more,thats the arrow to the heart. I could have done more, and I just didn't. I have good intentions. I know it's not enough, but I do have them. I can't fix anything if you won't let me.

It's so funny. We're all so disastorous to eachother because everythings changing. It's easier to hate then hurt. It's easier to ignore than confront. I do all of this, but I'm going to try and just get over it. Thats my main goal. I'm going to stop letting drama and other people's happiness ruin my life. I'm just going to be the best person I can be, and if others can't put up with that or don't like that.....then I'll just have to accept it.

I understand things to a point, and I'm sad that my clarity is ending. I'm trying to see and be empathic to those around me. I don't want to be the callow girl who only sees things from her perspective. I'm really trying. It's a constant refrain, but it's all I can offer you. I have alot of growing up to do. Stick by me through this, and I swear I'll never let you down again.

So to a few nameless souls, who infact will know this is about them.

So I was totally just going to give up on Live journal and stick with xanga and myspace blogs, but I've been writing in this sucker since freshman year! It has so many memories in it and all this random stuff. It's insane. I'm going to keep it going. I've got some background with LJ, it's always had my back and now I have its.

Heres to you live journal.

PS.
I totally just finished my policey paper and I'm SO excited for this fact.

You're Joey!



You're a practical, honest, small-town girl, but you possess the cynical sarcasm of someone with lots of life experience. People you've trusted have let you down in the past, and now you build emotional walls (or roll your eyes and refuse to take things seriously) to protect yourself from rumors and pain. You just want a place to feel safe… a place where you can climb a ladder, crawl through a window, and know that you are loved. You see yourself as the "too-tall girl from the wrong side of the creek," and you get a little jealous of people you think have easier lives, but ultimately, nothing will keep you from accomplishing your goals. In romantic situations, you're afraid of what might happen if you follow your heart. You pressure yourself to make decisions with your brain, even if doing the "smart" thing sometimes tears you up inside.

"Carrie: Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away."

:)
what a fabulous show.

So, I have mono, and I'm going to be home for a while. I'm feeling all spiderman about it, it's kind of a curse and a blessing. I hate school, and staying home is fun,but I miss seeing my friends and stuff. Plus I think I'm going to fall behind and stuff. Not good, not good at all. Rob wants to come over but I don't want to see anyone, I really wish he would stop fucking asking. It really bothers me. I really have to turn him off of me.

Moulin Rouge is on tv. It's funny because I was just thinking about that movie, and I nearly was going to turn it on. How exciting. I like it when things work out like that.

I don't have a voice, so everyone I was supposed to call and whatever I'm sorry. You would just hear me rasping and wheezing on the phone with no audible words. No fun, god this sucks. My head hurts, I wonder if I can convice my mom to buy me a book. I feel old fashioned but I really feel the need to read something. The books I bought in Chicago were very disappointing. They were either really weird or hard to understand. I hate that about books. I guess you really can't judge a book by it's cover.

Ok I'm done for now. TTYL

I fucking hate my brother. He can burn in hell. K later

Insanity. Friday chilled at home, Saturday track with rob which was interesting then movies with eric which was so much fun.

Spencer and Ashley finally hooked up on south of no where. I'm so excited.

I have nothing to say except I'm at school
I want to go home but I have to be back at 5 for practice.
UGH I still haven't looked at the script. I'm bad.

mk peace out